In basic terms, most people agree a relationship is something that happens between two people. I used to subscribe to this too, so it was baffling to give independent assessments to each partner in a couple and frequently find their perception of the relationship to be worlds apart. Sometimes one partner would describe a loving, satisfying union while the other reported being so unhappy they were on the verge of leaving. It was as if they they were in two different relationships! How is this possible?
I’m going to show you how this phenomenon makes perfect sense by sharing a new way of defining a relationship based on 3 simple parts.
- What I think of you
- What I think you think of me
- What I think of me with you
Notice what’s not included in these 3 parts?
There is no separate entity of a “we.”
We are a social species. We relate to people, connect to them, attach to them, birth them; but no matter how close or connected we feel, there are still two individuals occupying a separate physical existence, each with its own brain. The idea of a “we,” is just that, an idea. And what is an idea? A thought. And what creates thoughts? Brains. And where do brains exist? In our own individual bodies, because we don’t yet have the ability to share a brain (which I personally consider good news!)
Are you with me so far? 🙃👍🏻
Now that you have the intellectual understanding of this concept, let’s make it come to life by introducing you to Jack and Jill, an ordinary and fictional couple, in order to see how these parts play out in action (You may notice some generalizations here. I’ve used them only for the sake of simplicity. There is no intent to offend or reflect bias of any kind. That said, some may interpret it this way; in which case, I apologize ahead of time).
Part #1: What I think of you.
What Jack Thinks Of Jill:
Jack thinks Jill is pretty amazing. He often wonders how she gets so much done. He thinks she’s in good shape and always looks nice. He thinks she’s sometimes hard on the kids, works too much, takes things too seriously and expects too much from him. He often thinks she should lighten up. He thinks of Jill as his best friend. He thinks she’s smart and a good listener and respects her opinion. He describes them as close and connected. Overall, he thinks he’s lucky to have her as a partner and thinks they have a good relationship.
What Jill Thinks of Jack:
Jill thinks Jack should help out more. She thinks she may have picked the wrong partner. She thinks he doesn’t always care about her the way he should and if he did, he would support her more, back her up with the kids and offer to help with things more. She thinks Jack’s lonely and needs more friends. She thinks Jack has a big heart and is a good person, but she doesn’t feel as close to him as she wished she did. Overall, she feels a chronic, low-level emptiness in the relationship and generally wishes things were different.
Part #2: What I think you think of me.
What Jack thinks Jill thinks of him:
Jack thinks Jill thinks of him as a strong person, stable, secure and reliable. Jack thinks Jill likes that he confides in her, mostly keeps to the house & doesn’t go out with the guys much. He also thinks she thinks he’s lazy sometimes, but overall he believes she’s as happy and satisfied as he is with the relationship.
What Jill thinks Jack thinks of her:
Jill thinks Jack thinks he can sit back and relax because she’ll pick up the slack. Jill believes Jack thinks she should keep it all together and never have a bad day. Jill thinks Jack thinks she’s superwoman and doesn’t need that much support. She thinks Jack thinks she likes working so hard and doing so much. Jill thinks Jack doesn’t think about her much and wish he would.
Part #3: What I think of me with you.
What Jack thinks of himself in the relationship with Jill:
Jack thinks of himself as Jill’s rock. He sees himself as available, attractive, agreeable and flexible to her needs. At times, he thinks he might be missing some things or not showing up the way Jill wants, but for the most part he thinks of himself as a supportive partner and loving father.
What Jill thinks of herself in the relationship with Jack:
Jill thinks she’s overworked and under-appreciated. She thinks of herself as overweight and not that attractive. She often thinks she wishes she could be more easygoing like Jack, and that sometimes comes across bitchy. She thinks she should be more grateful for Jack and what he contributes.
So now that you have a peek behind the scenes, how would you describe their relationship? If you’re finding it hard to summarize, it’s because they are each experiencing the relationship quite differently. So which one is experiencing the real relationship? The answer is both! Jack and Jill are each creating the relationship they are having based on the thoughts they’re thinking.
Many of us believe the only way to have a good relationship is to have a good partner. But I want to end here with an invitation to consider the radical idea that a good relationship is created by thinking thoughts that create good feelings for yourself about yourself, your partner and the relationship.
