When a friend asks you to do something you don’t want to do, which of these are you more likely to do?
a.) Go along even if you don’t want to.
b.) Feel annoyed at your friend for asking and say no in a way that leaves you feeling bad.
c.) Come up with an excuse to get out of it.
All of these are common ways to solve the dilemma of staying connected to someone without throwing yourself under the bus. I want to offer you another option to consider:
d.) Saying no with kindness.
This isn’t something we’re taught in school, but it’s a skill that can be learned.
There are two areas of skill-building involved:
Skill #1: Finding the words. There are no right or wrong words per se, but having the vocabulary to convey your thoughts and feelings n a way that’s clear and kind usually involves a bit of forethought. Scrambling for the right words in the moment can leave us tongue tied.
Skill #2: Emotional Responsibility. Essentially, this means staying in our own emotional business and letting other people be in charge of theirs. It can be tough to let go of wanting someone to read our minds and take care of our feelings. When we give others permission to have their own thoughts, feelings and reactions, we allow ourselves the space to focus on the work of owning of our own.
At this point, my clients will usually say, “I get it, but how do I do it? What do I say!?”
Here are some sample scripts to consider in different contexts and levels of relationship as a way to plan for an Option D in your own life:
- I love you for asking and appreciate the invitation, but I won’t be making it this time.
- I’m flattered/honored you asked and feel a bit awkward about this, but I’m going to pass on making any kind of plans for now.
- This is hard for me to say because our relationship means a lot to me, but I’ve decided not to come/participate. I admire your ______ (involvement, dedication, energy etc.) and I’m glad you’re in my life.
- I feel a bit nervous telling you this because you’re important to me. I’ve given this a lot of thought and decided not to ________ (ie. give you the money you asked for, volunteer at the event, etc.). It would make sense if you’re disappointed or even angry with me. I’m feeling some of that with myself, but I value our relationship and don’t want to disrespect you with anything less than the truth.
- I feel torn about telling you this because I love you and would never want to do anything to hurt you. And I also don’t want to pretend or be dishonest with you, so I need you to know I don’t want to _____________ (be your bridesmaid, go to your son’t recital, etc.) This probably comes as a shock to you, and with good reason. I’m sure you have a lot of thoughts and feelings about what I’m saying and I’m open to hearing all of them.
- First of all congratulations on __________. (your art exhibition, your graduation, etc.) and I really appreciate you including me. I feel bad about this, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no. I’m sure it will be a success and can’t wait to see how it all works out for you.
- I’ve thought a lot about what you asked me and my answer is no. I’m shaking as I say/write this because you’re so important to me and I’m scared of losing you. But if I lied to you, I’d risk losing us both. I hope you understand and you have every right not to. I’d really like to know where you’re at with what I’m saying here.
