Have you ever not heard back from someone and convinced yourself they were ignoring only to later learn they didn’t get your message? Do you sometimes walk into social gatherings believing people are thinking negative things about you? What about when you wave at someone from afar who doesn’t wave back and you think they’re mad at you only to find out later they just didn’t see you?
Most people can relate to these kinds of experiences, but the cognitive distortion of mind reading distortion for some can become a destructive and pervasive thought error.
If you grew up in a family system that was unpredictable, chaotic, or abusive you may spend more time than you want or realize thinking about what others’ are thinking. Mind reading often starts as a strategy to regulate our emotional state and establish safety early in life. Tuning in to others’ moods and trying to decipher their thoughts can feel protective of ourselves and our relationships but it can become a mental habit that’s problematic for both.
One problem is believing we really can read others’ minds. Accepting our limitations in this area can be challenging, especially when we see ourselves as empathic and caring. It’s easy to deceive ourselves into believing that we are so tuned in to others that we know what they’re thinking and feeling. The reality is that no one has this kind of super power. It’s true that knowledge, experience, compassion and connection with others can afford us some educated guesses about others’ inner worlds, but ultimately it’s still a guess. Still, it’s easy to conflate guessing with controlling and taking on responsibility for others’ thoughts, feelings and actions.
Another problem is negativity bias, which is the brain’s tendency to pay more attention to negative experiences than positive or neutral ones. With mind reading this means our interpretation of others’ thoughts tends to be less than flattering and often downright mean. When was the last time you suspected someone of thinking you were amazing?! So whether it’s with strangers or those you’re close to, a hallmark of the mind-reading distortion is imagining someone is thinking something negative without considering other possibilities. Engaging in this kind of thinking can be anxiety-provoking and undermine our self-esteem.
Unchecked, the error of mind reading can keep us locked in a loop of using our assumption of others’ thoughts to reinforce negative beliefs about ourselves. In other words, what we are concerned others’ are thinking of us are the very things we’re thinking about ourselves, whether we are conscious of this or not.
Antidote #1: Reality Checking
One of the easiest and fastest ways to address this distortion is to check it out with others. It requires a bit of vulnerability but it’s often worth the risk rather than spending a lot of mental energy thinking about something that’s likely a fabrication. Often I will use the phrase, “I noticed I was telling myself the story that you were thinking/feeling…and wanted to check it out with you.”
If you’re feeling especially upset, you may want to wait a day or so before reality checking; but ultimately this approach is a way to take back your power by not allowing your mind trap you in painful narratives against your will.
Antidote #2: Ad-Vantage Points
It’s possible the person yawning in the first row of your presentation doesn’t actually think your boring. Instead, he was up all night with a crying newborn. Or the person who doesn’t call you back may have left their phone at home that day. There are always an infinite number of reasons that people behave the way they do and it can be helpful to expand the narrow explanation your brain is offering you when it comes to mind reading.
I don’t remember where but this tennis-themed strategy challenges you to come up with at least three different alternative reasons for someone’s actions. In essence, you’re “adding vantage points.” So instead of letting your brain lock into only one interpretation for someone’s behavior, consider different perspectives. Doing this will loosen your conviction that your mind-reading distortion is the one and only possible interpretation and thereby give you some objectivity.
Antidote #3: Examine the Evidence
First, write down what you think the other person is/was thinking. Just the act of writing it down can help you see your assumption more objectively (ie. My boss thinks I don’t know what I’m doing). Next, put a line down the middle of a page, and on one side write all the evidence that supports your assumption. In the other column write evidence that contradicts your assumption. Mind reading tends to focus only on evidence that supports your conclusion and miss the larger picture.
If you want to find out more about cognitive distortions, here are some other articles in this series:
Do you want to know how to spot more of your brain’s lies and get more control over your emotional health? Check out my program here.
