This time of year can amplify the brain’s tendency to work against us and cause unnecessary stress. Luckily, it just takes a bit of awareness and a shift of focus to set ourselves up for happier holidays.
Check out this list of thoughts and see if you can find the common theme:
I wonder who’s going to show up this year.
I hope Uncle Lou isn’t going to drink too much like last year.
Is my sister still offended about what happened?
My mom better not ruin things with one of her meltdowns.
I need to make sure my kids behave.
I just don’t want to hear my partner complain the whole time.
Any of these ring a bell? Do you see the common thread?
All of these thoughts are externally focused in the area of least control.
As much as we’ve been taught or convinced we can control what other people think, feel and do, the reality is we can’t and when we try it causes us suffering.
The more we focus on things we can’t control,
the more out of control we feel.
Here’s another list of thoughts that may sound familiar:
I don’t want this holiday to be stressful.
I don’t want to eat Aunt Sally’s awful stuffing.
I should be grateful that for the family I have.
I shouldn’t complain so much.
Trying to avoid negative things by thinking about what we don’t want keeps our attention on what we want to avoid. Since what we focus on expands, this thought error often unconsciously creates the very thing we don’t want.
The solution is to put in your mental effort toward what you do want on purpose, deliberately and intentionally. The involves the practice of gently redirecting our attention where we want to focus.
The more we focus on what we want,
the higher the probability of creating it.
Should thoughts sound noble and important, but they rarely generate inspiration or motivation. Instead, they create pressure and only add to our stress. Making demands on ourselves in this way usually backfires. If you want to learn more about this tendency. Check out the blog on this topic here
The antidote is clarifying what you want vs. what you should do. This simple tweak of your internal dialogue can activate desire and choice. For example, reminding yourself you want to appreciate yourself and those around will help you feel empowered and aligned with your actions and values.
Pro Tip:
Asking good questions is a quick way to get your brain working for you to create a holiday you can enjoy. Here are some to experiment with:
What thoughts to I want to be thinking this holiday?
Try out: I love my family or I can show up as the loving person I want to be to no matter how anyone acts
What do I want to feel?
Try out: Loving, Grateful, Accepting, Easy, Relaxed
What do I want to do?
Try out: I want to be kind and respectful to myself and those I love. I want to give people permission to be themselves. I don’t want to try to control situations and people I can’t. I want to take responsibility for myself – my thoughts, feelings and actions – and give people full responsiblity for their own.
What do I want to create for myself this Thanksgiving?
Try out: I want to show up with an open and grateful heart.
or
I want to be proud of myself no matter what.
Note: these will be most effective if you write them down
instead of answering them in your head.
