How often do you tell yourself you have to do something? The answer to this question will reveal the degree to which you believe you are living the life you want. Our brains have a sneaky way of positioning us as victims of our own lives, scrambling to meet our own relentless demands while trying to chip away at a never-ending to-do list, leaving us feeling burdened and exhausted, looking for relief from ourselves and our lives.
Why do we do this to ourselves?!
I’m going to address this question and then give you ways to adjust the setting on your brain’s default dashboard.
The brain likes shortcuts. It’s always looking for ways to minimize effort and maximize safety and comfort. We love the idea of having lots of choices, but the reality is that considering options requires mental effort. When we tell ourselves we have to do something, we remove the tedious step of having to evaluate our options and decide whether it’s actually something we want to do. If we had to take the time to consciously choose every action we take in a day, we wouldn’t get much done. So the purpose of this shortcut is to make our lives easier and it usually does. The problem emerges when our brains become so efficient at it that we forget we actually have choice. The effect is believing we’re actually slaves to our lives and powerless to create change for ourselves.
The first step to breaking free from this cognitive tyranny is to become aware that your brain is lying to you. This will not be obvious and will require a willingness to challenge your brain’s practiced commands. If you look closely, you will notice that there’s very little you actually have to do. Here are some questions to prompt further reflection:
- How, when and who decided you had to do these things?
- What’s the worst thing that can happen if you don’t do them?
- Are there people on the planet who aren’t doing these things? If so, how is it possible they have a choice and you don’t?
The next step is to notice the difference between doing something because you think you have to and doing something because you decide you want to. Try out the following exercise to explore this distinction:
Bring to mind something you believe you have to do today and answer the following questions:
- When you think the thought, “I have to _____ ,” what emotion do you feel the most? Burdened? Resentful? Overwhelmed? It’s likely not a positive one.
- When you feel this emotion, how do you show up in the task? Do you drag your feet? Do you think of what you’d prefer to be doing instead? Do you find ways to distract yourself? Do you reward yourself later with food or a glass of wine?
- What the outcome of showing up in this way? What results do you create for yourself?
Now apply these questions using a new thought by just replacing “have” with “want,” as in , “I want to _____.” Notice how your answers change. (Note: this exercise will be most effective and revealing by writing your answers down on a piece of paper).
If you take the time to answer the questions presented and go through the exercises, you’ll be surprised at the uptick in general satisfaction and freedom you’ll feel as you tackle the tasks in your day.
