What does a cave person have to do with your lover?
Picture this: your lover is looking deep into your eyes and then leans in close for a passionate embrace. Melting into the moment, you turn your ear anticipating sweet words of love, and this is what you hear…
“You know, you’re not that bad.”
😳
Well, how would that land for you?
Would it inspire passion? Light your heart aflame?
Or would it leave you a bit chilly; even demoralized or confused?
Yet these words are often an overt or covert commentary we have about ourselves and/or our lives, and they’re worth a deeper dive…
I want you to consider that if you look at your life, your relationships, your job or yourself and the best you can muster is, “it’s not that bad,” you’re opting out of good before giving it a fighting chance.
Do you feel like you’re just tolerating your life?
Does it seem like you’re enduring instead of living?
Are you keeping yourself safe in familiar territory at your own expense?
If you answered yes to any of the above it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong or that you should be doing something different. At the same time, your brain may not be revealing the cost of a life you’re telling yourself is not that bad. Here are some questions to offer clues on whether you might be paying a price behind the scenes:
-Are you eating more than you want, more often than you wish you did?
-Do you have that extra glass of wine or daily beer more out of habit than choice?
-Do you find yourself pulled into scrolling social media for longer than you intended?
-Do you watch shows you don’t really enjoy for longer than you planned and then wonder where the time went or why you spent it that way?
-Are you staying with a partner or in a job out of fear that leaving will be too hard or frightening?
If any of these ring true for you, you’re not alone. In fact, the oldest part of our brain has had success in keeping our species alive by being motivated to seek pleasure, avoid pain and conserve energy. Telling yourself, “it’s not that bad,” hits the trifecta of these motivations by sending your brain the message to stay put because you’re safe where you are, things could be worse and the effort involved in getting to good isn’t worth it.
Here is where the cave person part come in. Meet Betty. Betty lives in a cave but she has access to all the modern conveniences. Her children are almost grown and busy with their own lives and her husband is very involved in his caveman duties. Betty has a cushy set-up so she never has to leave the cave. She has her food delivered and she has plenty of things right there in her comfy cave to keep her occupied and entertained. You might say Betty has it made; she doesn’t have to exert much effort, she gets to do what she wants and doesn’t have to experience the uncertainty or fear of leaving the cave. In fact, the longer she stays in the cave the less she wants to leave. Yet she’s frustrated by feelings of restlessness and often tells herself she should be grateful. When that doesn’t work, she tries to quell her discomfort by stepping up the variety and frequency of food deliveries, joining a few more Facebook groups and having an extra glass of wine while reminding herself, “it’s not that bad.”
The moral of this story is that telling yourself “it’s not that bad,” is the brain’s way of deceiving you into believing it’s better to be safe than to grow.
No matter our age or situation, we humans have an innate desire to learn and evolve. At the same time, we are adaptable and capable of adjusting to a wide range of situations, even ones that don’t serve us. It’s easy to get complacent with ourselves and our lives, but by doing so we run the risk losing our passion and sinking into ease with the discomfort of stagnation.
Wouldn’t you want your lover to love you fiercely and on purpose?💘
How are you doing this or not with yourself or in your life?
Where and why are you settling for “it’s not that bad”?
And what could or would you be willing to do to step out of your cave?
Whether it’s taking that class, putting your art into the world, telling a loved one the truth or telling yourself the truth, here is a worksheet to get you started on the path of making your life better than good.
