Do you know you can disagree with someone and still stay connected with them?
When we disagree with someone we care about it can feel like a threat to our connection, which motivates us to get them to change their mind so we can be on the same page. The problem is that trying to change others’ minds often backfires. Social science has learned that providing logic, evidence, reason or facts does not change minds and in fact, the mere attempt to do so can actually cause them to double down on their position and escalate polarization (Backfire Effect) This is because most people’s beliefs are not based on facts, they’re based on emotion and group affiliation. We want to hold on to our beliefs and convictions because they help us feel anchored in an ever-changing world.
The antidote is to shift from trying to change someone’s mind to trying to influence their thinking instead. The first step is to show them their thinking by engaging in a dialogue that makes space for different positions. Here are some ways to do just that:
Get clear on your goal.
If you want to stay connected even when you disagree with someone it’s important to understand that your goal is connection, not control. If we don’t clarify this for ourselves, it’s easy to slip into control mode by trying to get the other person to think and feel a certain way. In other words, trying to get them to change their mind. Instead of seeking who’s right, look for why you see things differently instead. If you aren’t able to engage without maintaining the goal of connection over control, take a step back and do some internal work first.
You First (Do what you want them to do).
If you want them to be open-minded, then you first.
If you want them to understand and listen, then you first.
If you want them to admit their limitations of knowledge, then you first.
If you want them to care about what you have to say, you show care first.
Ask more questions; make less statements.
In order to influence someone’s thinking, you want to give them a way to see their own thinking (aka metacognition). Often we hold strong beliefs that aren’t actually well thought through and based on faulty logic (Dunning-Krueger Effect). Asking well-crafted questions can help someone become aware of how they’ve come to certain conclusions and invite them to consider the limitations of their knowledge. We often think we know things we don’t actually understand (Illusion of Explanatory Depth)
Utilize questions that evoke the experiences, understanding or learning that lead them to their position. It’s also helpful to ask them to define their meaning of common terms since conversations can break down quickly from having different meanings for the same term.
Here are some questions to try out:
- What makes you think that?
- What do you mean when you say _______?
- Is there anything you could learn or certain evidence that would change your mind?
- Why is this important to you?
- How did you come to believe this?
- Was there a time when you didn’t believe this? What changed?
Clarify your understanding of their position. This takes practice and mindfulness because we’re used to responding instead of reflecting to what someone says, but it can be a game-changer in staying connected. Confirming the accuracy of what someone is saying requires you to slow the conversation down enough to make sure you’re getting what they’re communicating before responding. The ability to reflect back what someone is saying is a foundation of connection because it conveys care, respect and a willingness to listen.
Scaling Confidence. Ask them how confident they are of their position or opinion on a 0-10 scale. Then ask why and how they came to that number.
Share your care. Make it a point to express your care for the other person and for the relationship. See if you can uncover the values and intentions fueling their position, even if you wholeheartedly disagree.
Let them be wrong. Just because you listen to someone’s opinion doesn’t mean you agree with it. You can hear them out and still not agree or approve. You can clearly state a different position and give them permission to keep the position they have.
If you want to learn more, here are some further resources to explore:
- Deep Canvasing
- Street Epistemology
- How Mind Change: The Surprising Science of Belief, Opinion and Persuasion
The REACH process will help you build your skills:
Reflect
