Do you repeatedly give up in defeat and self-blame when a plan to change a habit falls apart? When something doesn’t go as planned, do you devolve into defeat and negativity? If so, resiliency may be a skill worth building. Here are some common obstacles to resiliency and how to overcome them.
Resilience is defined as the ability to recover or adjust easily to change or adversity (Merriam-Webster).
Obstacle: Expecting change to be linear.
We often have unrealistic expectations for ourselves when it comes to habit change or getting past an unexpected hurdle in our lives. Being intolerant of setbacks and weaponizing failure blocks growth and erodes our integrity with ourselves.
Solution: Expect change to be a winding path with switchbacks. Just as stressing a muscle during exercise creates strength over time, you can decide instead that fails and setbacks are just part of how you’re getting stronger and better at dealing with the twists and turns of life or making the changes you want.
Obstacle: Starting too big and stopping too soon.
Fantasizing about a big future goal can give us a dopamine hit, but it’s easy to be seduced by the gold without considering the hard steps involved in getting there. Getting too focused on the outcome can also set us up to crash before we get much beyond the starting line.
Solution: Start small and slow, change something that seems boring and relatively easy but necessary to move toward larger change. Stabilizing incremental changes build momentum over time leading to compounding progress. Daily or weekly inventories help support this process by writing down what went well, what got in the way, and what you can do differently.
Obstacle: Trying to avoid discomfort.
Our brain is wired to avoid pain, seek comfort and minimize risk. But the price of positive change is discomfort so you have to override your brain’s wiring to create change. Resisting the inevitable discomfort that’s part of the process creates an inner power struggle that will sap you of strength and fortitude.
Solution: Allow, and even invite uncertainty, risk, and discomfort because the better you get at feeling discomfort, the more you’ll be able to grow, achieve and overcome. Remind yourself that discomfort means you’re right on track. Understanding and utilizing the power of choosing discomfort is so important that I dedicated a section of my online course to this solution. You can learn more about my program here.
Obstacle: Negative self-narrative.
Without realizing it, we often use judgmental thoughts about ourselves as a motivational strategy. But berating ourselves into change paradoxically keeps us stuck while undermining our capability and amplifying feelings of fragility.
Solution: Use adversity as a catalyst to practice self-compassion. This doesn’t mean being indulgent or unaccountable with yourself. Instead, it’s about learning to support yourself through adversity while encouraging consistent action in the direction of your goals.
Obstacle: Letting your past predict your future.
Just because you haven’t been able to deal with or accomplish something in the past doesn’t mean you won’t be able to in the future. The brain loves to project the past into the future but you can override this by reminding yourself you can change and grow beyond your past and do hard things.
Solution: Be willing to approach old issues with a fresh perspective. Consider the idea that you can do things differently and do different things, even if you haven’t done them before. Look for small victories and appreciate your efforts on purpose.
